I was lucky enough to catch the Mindfulness Relationships Summit, an amazing collaboration of teachers and speakers exploring love, intimacy and relationships. So powerful listening to people talk about how we can transform our relationships, shifting to a place of choice rather than need. It can be easy to enter into a reciprocal ‘if I do this for them, they should do that for me’ approach to our intimate relationships.
Putting our expectations of what we would do, on to the other person, once they fail this test of not behaving as if they were us, this can lead to a great deal of frustration and disappointment. Anger and hurt can manifest from the result of our boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, wife, not doing as we wish them to do.
In our minds we hold a bar, if you love me, care for me, respect me, then you will behave like this. Little does the other know this is metre stick we are measuring them against.
When we can begin to become more conscious of our inner dialogue that dictates how others should behave this gives us more opportunity to reflect on where these beliefs come from, are they fair, realistic? Could we share these thoughts with our partner, could we even learn how to perhaps let go of what we believe the other should do and allow them to love us in the way they show love. Can we give them this gift and freedom to be as they are rather than as we would like them to be.
Mindfulness provides the opportunity to learn a practice that gives us greater insight into the unconscious drivers that result in our belief there are certain things we need from a partner to feel loved and secure. It helps us turn on a light so we can reflect on the times we feel ‘unloved’ ‘not listened too’ ‘not seen’ just incase perhaps we ourselves our able to meet this inner need rather than feeling it automatically must be met by something or someone external to us.
This video explores how the ancient wisdom of the 4 Noble Truths in Buddhism can support us in our present day relationships. The video hosts a discussion between the producer of the Mindful Relationship Summit (mindfulrelationshipsummit.com) and Susan Piver, founder of the Open Heart Project (www.susanpiver.com)